It was raining here today in Florida but I didn't mind at all. It never seems to rain very long here, not for weeks at a time, like it had recently in California. I've been feeling better lately, since I started meditating again. I don't think I spoke about what I've been going through yet on my blog but I want to. I want to be honest and unafraid. I want to be unashamed. I want other people to be unashamed as well, if it happened to them.
I was abused as a child and through a strange turn of events, I wound up in therapy two years ago. I was in a car accident and had gotten a traumatic head injury, a concussion that had severe repercussions. My doctor had suggested I speak to a therapist bc the injury left me feeling completely out of it. I couldn't do any of the things I used to do. I would get tired and had memory loss. It was very hard for me to deal with. I was afraid my memory, my mind, would never come back. It was so scary.
Thankfully I am better now. I never wrote before my accident and now I am. It is so wonderful, makes me feel so good. When I look at my blog, I am filled with so much joy and pride. I never felt that way before about anything.
Going to therapy though, my doctor wanted to me talk about all sorts of things, all the things I convinced myself were better to try and forget about. But she said to get better, I had to talk about them, remember, relive it. At first I had panic attacks just thinking about the thought of talking about it. But eventually, it got better. It's been hard though, for the past two years, very hard and I've been suffering from severe depression and anxiety.
My doctor diagnosed me as having PTSD and it made so much sense. Before my accident I was functioning, I was surviving, but I wasn't really living. I was living in a constant state of fight or flight, that had gone so long, it seemed normal to me. It was all I had ever known. I would stay up all night, watching the window for shadows, convinced someone was going to come in and get me.
This sort of thing had served me well when I was little, when I stayed up all night and watched the shadows to see if my abusers were on their way to hurt me. But now, they are far away and yet I still watched, only now for unknown strangers.
Yesterday though, I prayed and I asked God to help me to feel safe finally. Then this morning I woke up and looked outside. I saw these three dolphins swimming in the rain. I remember I read long ago that dolphins represent safety, protection. I believe in signs. I believe in God's love and power to heal. I see the road I've been on, its all meant to be. And I am grateful.
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